FRIENDS FAR AWAY

So I finally find, or rather am given, a beautiful and wonderful friend. She lands in my lap, actually. She shows up at my house and stays for a bit over a month. We have so much fun, laugh, talk, go on adventures and generally fall into a great friendship from the moment we meet.

I was thinking that this gift of friendship would be one that would fuel me up for the next hard season of ministry. I knew she was leaving. So I embraced every moment I could. I chose to sit and visit sometimes instead of doing laundry. I went to the beach one more time cause she liked it so much. i got the groceries she liked cause I wanted her time here to be special. And it was. I felt was more alive than I have been for a long time.

And now she's gone. We still talk on the phone and email back and forth. But instead of being fueled up I feel more empty. I tasted something sweet and now I miss it more than ever.

I want to follow God and be faithful to what he's called us to here, but I feel more pulled to just up and leave to anywhere dear friends are.

I just feel so lonely here and wish for a friend who is easy to be with.

They have come into my life at different times and I have loved it. But now I feel like I need it. I feel the hole and think it needs to be filled.

God knows what I need. I'm glad he gave it to me even for a month... but it sure would be nice to have a friend near by.

Assuming the Best

I have learned the concept of assuming the best a long time ago, but had such a hard time putting it into practice. It is so much easier for me to put the bad guy badge on anyone I disagree with and put the hero badge on myself.

This is the deal, I judge myself by my intentions and everyone else by their actions!! Yikes. This is a horrible way to look at people. I see myself as forgiven and loved by God, but often forget to see this same thing in the person who has offended me. So it's a challenge. I really do love people. I really do want to show God's love to people.

The amazing difficulty is when a crazy confrontation happens and I think I am in the right. Really, I like to think I concede when I am shown that I was wrong. I know I'm not ALWAYS right. So I look at the situation and wonder what to do when both parties agree that the other is in the wrong. Yikes! No resolve. We are at odds.

Today I am trying to assume the best. I am not sure if the other party is trying the same thing. I have the feeling I'm alone in this. I want to honor God and honor my friend. But it's not fun to be disliked. Maybe even hated. Can I really assume the best here? Being angry and prideful feels much easier and natural. Like sin. Natural sin. Easy sin.

But holding on to hurt or anger is going to hurt me more than anyone else. So, I am making my best attempt to assume the best.

Go Already!

I have officially released you. You are free to go. I am tired of thinking about past difficulties and conflicts. I am passed trying to figure out your attitudes and strange comments and lack of comments. I don't want to talk more about nothing or be cordial. I am so ready to move on. I have done what I could do to love and serve you. Now it's time to go, so go ahead and go already!

The American Dream

Sometimes the American Dream, you know, the idea of financial stability, sounds pretty good.

Relational Expectations

Note to self:

Your spouse is your best friend.

Expecting other friends to relate on this deep of a level is unfair and disappointing.

It's Not About Me!

So I should ask about others and not worry so much about telling my story.

When Is It Okay To Be Myself?

So I am in this predicament lately about when to be open, completely open and when to be guarded and ultra tactful. The older I get, the more I think I should be guarded and tactful at all times. I know that it's a mark of maturity to realize that life is not all about me. In fact, it's mostly not about me.

Unfortunately, there's this other part of me that in an innocent and well meaning way really does believe that God is all about me as much as he is all about everyone. So this freedom that I have in Jesus to love myself and receive his love comes out, I guess, as a stumbling block for people I love. My confidence in God's love for me comes out in such a strange way that leaves others more aware of their impurities and bondage rather that causing them to be happy with me about the gifts God has given me. Gosh, in my immaturity I really thought that sharing from my heart the joys and blessings that God has given me would give people around me hope and excitement that it is possible to have health and happiness in Jesus. Instead I think my friends feel judged or looked down upon or maybe even mocked for the stark differences between my life story and theirs. Why on earth would I every want to make another person feel like that?!

I really want people to feel loved and cherished and welcomed and safe. I want to cater to their needs and be a blessing as much as possible. Really. I do love people. I do desire to show God's love to others in a real and practical way.

The reality is, though, I am not a quick thinker. I don't speak in final draft or have an amazing handle on my audience at all times. I guess I just don't take much time to think about censoring things appropriately in different circumstances. I think, 'How could sharing my heart be harmful?' Isn't what God has done in my life awesome and beautiful? Not who I am or what I have accomplished, but who He is and how gracious he is to me. My story has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM.

So for some reason I am feeling today that my joy and pleasure in who God has made me is wrong. I feel like I need to stuff it down and hide it because the hurting and lost people feel more hurt and more lost after I share my joy. This makes no sense to me. It sounds ridiculous. But what I'm doing is not working, so I need to be the one to change. Perception is king, right? If people perceive me to be holier than thou than I need to change the way I act, the way I speak and the way I relate to others.

It's a hard pill to swallow. For some reason I think that being "The Pastor's Wife" puts me in a spotlight that I didn't really ask for. I don't fit the mold of the well polished and outgoing people person that is expected of my position. I am seen as an authority figure and have expectations heaped on me that I don't even know are there. Gosh, the first year of being "The Pastor's Wife" I really struggle with trying to measure up to other women I looked up to. I have recently shook that off completely and felt the amazing freedom to just be myself. Now I am discovering that being myself isn't really working either. Is this what it means to be a slave to Jesus? Is this what it means that my life is no longer my own?