The American Dream

Sometimes the American Dream, you know, the idea of financial stability, sounds pretty good.

Relational Expectations

Note to self:

Your spouse is your best friend.

Expecting other friends to relate on this deep of a level is unfair and disappointing.

It's Not About Me!

So I should ask about others and not worry so much about telling my story.

When Is It Okay To Be Myself?

So I am in this predicament lately about when to be open, completely open and when to be guarded and ultra tactful. The older I get, the more I think I should be guarded and tactful at all times. I know that it's a mark of maturity to realize that life is not all about me. In fact, it's mostly not about me.

Unfortunately, there's this other part of me that in an innocent and well meaning way really does believe that God is all about me as much as he is all about everyone. So this freedom that I have in Jesus to love myself and receive his love comes out, I guess, as a stumbling block for people I love. My confidence in God's love for me comes out in such a strange way that leaves others more aware of their impurities and bondage rather that causing them to be happy with me about the gifts God has given me. Gosh, in my immaturity I really thought that sharing from my heart the joys and blessings that God has given me would give people around me hope and excitement that it is possible to have health and happiness in Jesus. Instead I think my friends feel judged or looked down upon or maybe even mocked for the stark differences between my life story and theirs. Why on earth would I every want to make another person feel like that?!

I really want people to feel loved and cherished and welcomed and safe. I want to cater to their needs and be a blessing as much as possible. Really. I do love people. I do desire to show God's love to others in a real and practical way.

The reality is, though, I am not a quick thinker. I don't speak in final draft or have an amazing handle on my audience at all times. I guess I just don't take much time to think about censoring things appropriately in different circumstances. I think, 'How could sharing my heart be harmful?' Isn't what God has done in my life awesome and beautiful? Not who I am or what I have accomplished, but who He is and how gracious he is to me. My story has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM.

So for some reason I am feeling today that my joy and pleasure in who God has made me is wrong. I feel like I need to stuff it down and hide it because the hurting and lost people feel more hurt and more lost after I share my joy. This makes no sense to me. It sounds ridiculous. But what I'm doing is not working, so I need to be the one to change. Perception is king, right? If people perceive me to be holier than thou than I need to change the way I act, the way I speak and the way I relate to others.

It's a hard pill to swallow. For some reason I think that being "The Pastor's Wife" puts me in a spotlight that I didn't really ask for. I don't fit the mold of the well polished and outgoing people person that is expected of my position. I am seen as an authority figure and have expectations heaped on me that I don't even know are there. Gosh, the first year of being "The Pastor's Wife" I really struggle with trying to measure up to other women I looked up to. I have recently shook that off completely and felt the amazing freedom to just be myself. Now I am discovering that being myself isn't really working either. Is this what it means to be a slave to Jesus? Is this what it means that my life is no longer my own?